Content Warning: Dark comedy, themes of poverty, desperation, occult/ritual elements, and moral lessons.
Intro
Hunger has a way of making people brave — or just desperate enough to do something incredibly stupid. This is a Nigerian dark comedy written in Pidgin English with English translations, following Golly and Pinkspot, two broke friends so hungry their stomachs are chasing pigeons away from the window.
When their friend Abel calls with news of a billionaire offering a billion dollars to anyone who marries his allegedly ugly daughter, the plan is simple — crash the party, eat the free food, and leave. What they walk into instead is a mansion full of ritualists, a swimming pool of sharks, and a moment of pure accidental chaos that changes everything.
Fate, as always, has its own plans.
Author’s Note: Language, Culture, and Context
Before you read this story, I want you to know that I have blended Nigerian Pidgin English throughout, with translations provided in brackets. Nigerian Pidgin is a widely spoken informal language that cuts across ethnic groups and social classes, often used to express humor, emotion, and everyday realities in a relatable way.
This story was inspired by real-life struggles and the challenges many people face, especially with poverty and survival. While it is humorous, it also reflects deeper truths about desperation, choices, and unexpected opportunities.
The Hunger
Golly sat down on a thin mattress, rubbing his stomach. His eyes were red — not from crying, but from hunger. He yawned, and his stomach rumbled so loudly that a flock of pigeons took flight.
His eyes narrowed when he heard the flapping of wings, and he rushed to the window.
"Bros come see wetin we dey miss oh!" [Bro, come see what we're missing out here!]
He slapped himself on the back of his head. *How can I be hungry while my window is a nest? I must have been stupid not to notice.* He leaned out of the window trying to look inside the nest to see if there is any egg. He nearly fell and all he got for his effort was a fist full of birds dropping. He gagged and tried to retch, but he had nothing on his stomach and all he did was choke himself. With tears streaming from his eyes and breathing getting more labored, he slid down from his window and lay on his thin mattress.
Too Weak to Fight
Pinkspot — whose real name was Caleb — was fast asleep, knocked out from hunger. He tried to stand but collapsed.
"Why you dey trouble my sleep? Abeg I no get strength oh." [Why are you disturbing my sleep? I don't have any strength.]
"We dey hungry here, and plenty pigeon dey outside our window oh." [We’re starving, and there are pigeons outside.]
"How many you grab na?" [How many did you catch?]
"Oboy, na my stomach pursue them oh." [My stomach scared them away.]
They kept arguing — too weak to fight, yet too hungry to stay quiet.
### **The Phone Call That Changed Everything**
At that moment, Golly’s battered phone rang.
"Na Golly I dey talk to eh?" [Is this Golly?]
"Na me oh, wetin happen Abel?" [Yes, what’s up, Abel?]
There was a pause at the other end of the phone. Golly removed the phone from his ear and looked at the screen to make sure the call hadn't ended. He could see the timer counting. He nodded his head and put the phone back to his ear. He watched Pinkspot who was picking at his nose. Golly could smell the pigeon shit wafting into the room. He could hear honking of cars as they sped by and the chatter of vendors shouting their wares. *Those people need to leave his area, they are making things worse.*
"Golly!" Abel called him to make sure he was still there.
"I dey here na, wetin happened?"
"Wetin you dey do na, oboy you need to come oh," Abel said.
"Come where na, I dey hungry I no get strength abeg."
At this Pinkspot slapped him, but it was weak. Golly glared at him, but Pinkspot just said, "Put the call for speaker, make I hear too." Golly obliged and pressed the loudspeaker on the phone screen.
"Wetin you mean?" Pinkspot asked Abel.
"Oboy, na one big man dey throw party oh." [Bro, one big man is throwing a party oh.]
"Food dey?" Golly asked him.
"Food no be the problem, na the price be the Koko," Abel replied. [Food is not the problem, the price is the main thing.]
"Wetin be the price?" Pinkspot asked him.
"One billion dollar oh," Abel replied.
"Talk sense na, we no understand," Golly replied.
"The big man dey find who go marry him daughter and him go give the person one billion dollar," Abel answered. [The big man is looking for someone to marry his daughter and he will give that person one billion dollars.]
Desperation vs Reality
"Oboy you dey craze? I never see food chop, wetin I go carry wife do?" [Bro are you crazy? I haven’t even eaten, what will I do with a wife?]
"No too worry na, if you win her we done hammer be that na," Abel said. [Don’t worry, if you win her we have made it.]
"Calm down Golly, Abel talk true oh," Caleb replied.
"Both of you dey mad, why na me? Wetin stop both of you to marry her," Golly replied angrily. [Both of you are mad, why me? What stops both of you from marrying her?]
"Na because na you fine pass na," Abel said. [It’s because you are the finest.]
"See eh, I no fit abeg, beside she go be one fat babe with big belly," Golly replied. [Look, I can’t please, besides she will be one fat babe with big belly.]
"E no mean na, you go still hammer, you never tired to be hungry?" Pinkspot asked him. [It doesn’t matter, you will still hammer (become rich), aren’t you tired of being hungry?]
Golly could only sit there and shake his head. He knew deep down that his friends are right. This is a great opportunity, but he knew he will not be the only one and the competition will be fierce. He heard a great rumble and looked up from the phone. He watched Caleb rubbing his stomach and yawning.
"See I no fit, make we forget that," he said.
"I go wait for the man gate, make you guys check me there, my credit done exhausted," Abel said as he ended the call.
The Real Plan: Food First
"E be like say we go just go there to chop free food." [Looks like we’ll just go eat free food.]
"Oboy, I no get strength sef, we need food," Caleb said as he sniffed the air and the aroma of roasted chicken from the vendor hit him. "This na wickedness," he said as he sniffed loudly. [This is wickedness.]
"We need to try oh, we need to carry extra bag, so we fit hide some food inside," Golly replied.
"So you get phone since and we dey hungry?" Caleb asked now getting angry but too weak to do anything. [So you had a phone all this while and we are hungry?]
"I no understand," Golly said.
"We for done sell that phone and use the money buy food na," Caleb said. [We should have sold that phone and used the money to buy food.]
"You no serious, no be my phone."
"That phone done already die, just let ham rest in peace."
"E still dey useful, I no gree."
"See the screen, e dey blank and the back dey rough like gravel way full road."
"If I sell the phone how we for take hear Abel news?" Golly asked.
"That no be excuse, Abel for come here," Caleb said defensively.
The two friends kept bickering back and forth. They knew they needed to be at that party but the strength to stand felt like a herculean task and so they delayed the inevitable.
After trying to stand for about 30 minutes, they agreed that if they don't put in effort, they will die of hunger and since no one is coming to save them, they need to save themselves.
Journey to the Unknown
With no transport fare, they trekked for three hours — weak, exhausted, but driven by hunger.
It was one of the most troublesome sights seeing two young men staggering along the road, with no transport and no one to borrow from them. They grudgingly agreed to take it slowly one step at a time. As they came out of their room, the aroma hit them hard and Golly staggered a bit. It seemed the scent was just a trickle that had been hitting them, but now the full force was hitting them and you could see the saliva drooling from their mouth.
"I talk ham, that man wicked," Caleb said with tears in his eyes knowing he has no money to eat the roasted chicken. [I told you, that man is wicked.]
"E no easy oh," Golly said as he started walking. Even though his feet weren't strong due to his weakened state, he had a determination to reach that party. He was dragged back by a stranger, and he stupidly goggled at the man confused. "Watch where you dey go," the stranger said.
"How na?"
"You dey waka for middle of the road," the stranger said.
Caleb laughed hard slapping his leg. "Oboy e never reach that level oh," he said to Golly. "No make hunger kpai you." [Bro it hasn’t reached that level, don’t let hunger kill you.]
"I been think say na sidewalk na," Golly said. He turned to the stranger. "Thank you sir."
"You're welcome be careful oh," the stranger said as he walked away.
"Oboy, you get luck oh," Caleb said shaking his head and wincing. He looked at the road and whistled as a car sped by. He could feel the ground vibrating and the breeze — that cold sweet breeze. That is what has been keeping him standing because it cleared his head.
He hurried to Golly and they both held each other as they continued their journey. He muttered, "Slow and steady always win the race."
"What race?" Golly asked him.
"You know hunger motivation."
"I'm not motivated by hunger."
"No, you are motivated by the prospect of a free meal."
Entering the Lion’s Den
They met Abel just outside the gate. He looked restless and as he saw them, he hurried to them with a big smile. "I no say you guys go come." [I said you guys would come.]
"Of course, we no fit miss this food oh," Caleb replied.
"We get small problem oh," Abel said. He watched his two friends’ faces. He could see them getting redder and he knew that isn’t a good sign. He watched as Golly balled his fist and Abel knew he would be at the receiving end if he didn’t talk fast.
"If I hear problem again eh, teeth go surplus for ground and e go be your teeth oh," Golly said angrily. [If I hear problem again, teeth will be surplus on the ground and it will be your teeth.]
"If you see the kind trek we trek for three hours eh, you no go call problem," Caleb said.
"Make you guys calm down na, them dey watch oh," Abel said looking around. He could see the gateman watching them, and the way other guests gave them a wide berth. He knew they stood out.
"No vex me more oh, talk fast," Golly said.
"Relax, them no go let broke guys like us enter, look around na, see the fine clothes people wear and look wetin we wear."
"I no care, no you make us come, so find a way," Caleb said.
"See, before I come here I meet one babalawo, and him give me charm."
"You get money for charm, and we trek?"
"No oh, na credit," Abel said. He dipped his hand in his pocket and brought out a bag. "The baba say make I bring chicken as payment."
Both Caleb and Golly looked at each other skeptically. A babalawo who prefers food as payment must be a hungry scammer. Abel could see the skepticism in their eyes and said, "I will give you a ring each, but you have only to speak three times in there," he said pointing at the gate. "See, when you wear this ring, everyone who look you go see fine boy with flashy clothes," he said as he handed over a ring to each of them.
Inside the mansion, things were strange. It was like they had entered a different world. The people looked like they all patronized the same dress maker.
Guests dressed in symbolic colors, some were red and white, some red and blue, others white and blue all sewn in the same pattern, a white pant over a red long sleeve and a cap made in either red or blue material.
A quiet but eerie atmosphere. You could smell the tension and then the blood. The friends couldn't mistake it. It was coming from the gate house and the main building. They were lucky to have slipped in when the security at the gate looked the other way. Unknown to them, it was the work of the charm that made the security look the other way as they came.
A massive swimming pool — filled with deep blue water. The pool is still like the grave and they saw men, not just men in the sense, but extraordinary men. Men with guns, and muscles that only one look from them would send a heart doing a hard beating. Those men surrounded the pool, and one of them is saying, "Keep clear of the pool or you lose your life."
"This is a forbidden area until the boss day so, go and have fun but not in the pool."
Yet hunger blinded them. They don't care about a pool. All they care about is the free food they will be getting. "Wetin dey wrong with the pool?" Caleb asked.
"I no care oh, na food I come for no be pool," Golly said.
At this Abel pointed at his lips and the ring on his finger and then showed them two fingers reminding them that they have just two more words before the charm wears off.
Caleb clamped a hand over his mouth with a pained look while Golly just nodded his head and moved to the direction of the buffet.
When Ignorance Meets Danger
At the buffet table they carried large plates with smiles on their faces as they saw the different kinds of dishes. You could smell the fried onions and the baked potatoes, and just a few distance in the long table are roasted chicken arranged like a pyramid with grease dripping down and landing on a tray below the chicken. There are fried rice, jollof rice and a basin full with prepared soup. Abel sniffed the air and mouthed "Egusi soup."
"Have you submitted your blood?"
"No," Caleb said looking around at the others.
Abel just shook his head and pointed one finger at Caleb, reminding him he has just a single word before the charm wears off.
"I can't serve you," the man said. "Only those who have given blood can be served."
The friends looked at each other, wondering if they had heard wrong. Yes they now know the man who owns the compound is a member of a secret society but they don't care as long as they can eat. They don't judge. They stood there wondering how to change the man's mind when they noticed movement around the pool. It seemed everyone is heading in that direction and the man forgot about them as he too moved toward the pool. The friends looked at each other and started heaping their plates. Abel brought out the bag and started stuffing chicken inside which he would use as payment for the charm. After they had loaded their plates, they too started going in the direction of the pool and as they went, they stuffed their mouths, and licked their fingers. Golly swore he was in heaven as he bit into the bone of the chicken. He grinned as the juice ran down his cheek. He had been smelling this chicken for ages and now it is in his stomach which at that moment rumbled loudly but he don't care. He patted it lightly with a content grin. They pushed their way toward the front and waited at the edge of the pool like everyone watching the man who stood at the front raising his hand to draw their attention and to quieten down.
The Rich Man’s Challenge
The rich man watched from the window high in his mansion. He could see people trickle in one and two's, some even came in a group of five. He smiled. At least before the night would end, he would find a groom for his daughter. He could hear the DJ playing the latest song and he could hear his guests vibing to the music and singing along. He watched the buffet table and nodded his satisfaction. He could smell the aroma of roasted chicken and fried tomatoes, and the wine — he blinked — it was flowing like a river. Now this is what I'm talking about. This wealth will entice people to dare for what he had in store for them.
He watched those wearing the symbolic attires of his coven. "Hmmm, so those young blood want to monitor me or are they here to win my daughter's hand?" he thought.
And then his eyes landed on the pool. He grunted with a nod as he watched the water ripple slightly. No one could notice. He had given strict orders that no one should be allowed into the pool until he had given his speech. He had told his men to use force if necessary to carry out that order.
He could smell blood, yes that sweet iron smell. It is like it is coming from everywhere. He smiled knowing the rules say submit your blood first before you can get anything. After all this is the secret society, their wealth is not legally acquired, but through blood and sacrifice. He watched the people below laughing and drinking. He could even see people whom other members have brought for initiation. He grinned, "Yes, our coven will grow exponentially. Who could see such wealth and not want to join? Well it will soon be time, best I prepare," he said as he stood up and hurried to a door painted red in the far corner of the room he was standing at.
He looked at everyone who had come to listen to why he had thrown the party. He had made the reason known publicly, but many people don't believe him. They may think it was rumor or he just wanted to get people's attention. No one had ever seen his daughter.
And that is a plus to him. That has made them curious. He waited as everyone quieted and focused on him. "Welcome everyone, and thank you for making the effort. You may have heard that I'm offering a billion dollars to anyone who will marry my daughter." At this he paused and looked around. He could see people nodding their heads, and he watched a few young men whispering among themselves.
He laughed inwardly. *If only they know,* he thought as he continued, "That rumor is true, but before anyone can marry here, there is a condition attached."
"What condition?" One of those whispering young men asked.
The rich man turned his head to look at the young man, but in his peripheral vision he saw three young men eating as if their life depended on the food. He swore, *Are they even aware of what I'm saying?* he wondered, looking at how their every focus is on their plate. He shook his head and said to the young man, "The condition is that in this pool, there are twenty sharks and anyone who can swim from the start to the end of the pool without being eaten by the shark will marry my daughter. I want a man brave and ready to sacrifice his all for my daughter." The young man went pale. He took a step back and the rich man grinned. He snapped his finger and the blood everyone had donated was dropped in the pool and then the sharks rose. There was a splash and everyone watched as a young man swam like an Olympic expert. He was swimming like a man running a 100 meter race. They watched as a huge shark clamped its jaw at where the man's head would be, but the man was not ready to die. He dived under the shark's jaw and just missed by the skin of his teeth and they watched as he appeared once more and kept swimming. Everyone watched as the man reached the other end and hurried out of the water breathing hard and his eyes searching for something but no one could tell. The rich man smiled. *Yes this young man had done it. This is what I'm talking about.* He hurried to the young man and slapped him on his shoulder good-naturedly. "You did it young man, what is your name."
"Before I say that, I want to see the person who pushed me."
At this Caleb grimaced. It had been a mistake. He had been eating his chicken when it slipped from his hand. He was trying to catch it when he had accidentally pushed Golly.
"It has happened and you have won, don't think about it," the rich man said and clapped his hand.
Golly watched a row of people coming out of the mansion and in the middle is the so called daughter. Her face and body is still covered and someone is leading her by the hand. When they reached, the rich man grinned and said, "Young man, my words is my bond. I may have crooked but when it comes to my daughter I'm honest and I can do anything to make her happy. Go ahead and raise the veil."
Golly cleared his throat. His hand is trembling very badly. He could feel the breath of the shark on his neck and their waves as he swam. He shook his head to clear the vision and moved toward the woman. He didn't want a fat, lazy woman. These big men always have fat daughters and they always have offers for innocent fools like him. He reached her and stood in front of her. He remembered the charm and he counted on his finger. Yes he had talked twice, but he didn't care and with a trembling hand, he raised the veil covering her face and he just stood there staring with mouth open. He couldn't believe his eyes. He bent down and scooped water from the pool and washed his eyes and looked at her again. "Wow," he exclaimed. "She fine oh." [She is beautiful oh.]
At this there was a general laughter and the cheers of the crowd in approval. He turned to look at his friends knowing he had said his third words but he just laughed knowing the charm is a fake.
The rich man nodded his head and then he said, "My daughter is the most beautiful woman on earth. Yes I can boast of her beauty and you can do so with your own daughter. Her beauty made me afraid and so I kept her hidden until today. I hope you can protect and love her."
"I will," Golly said.
"In that case, come inside let us discuss about the future."
Golly beckoned his two friends and in all they hurried to catch up with the rich man.
"You be one lucky sharp guy oh," Abel said grinning. [You are one lucky sharp guy oh.]
"No be small, see as she fine and to think I been think say she fat." [No be small, see how beautiful she is and to think I thought she was fat.]
"Make you guys shut up, na my wife you dey talk about oh." [Make you guys shut up, it is my wife you are talking about oh.]
"See this fool," Caleb said shaking his head and he wondered how Golly dey defend person he thought was fat.
Moral Lessons
This story, though humorous, carries important lessons:
Hunger Can Distort Judgment
Desperation can lead people into dangerous situations without thinking clearly.
Not Every Opportunity Is What It Seems
What looks like an easy reward may hide serious risks.
Information Matters
False assumptions nearly cost them everything.
Survival Reveals Hidden Strength
Golly survived not because he was brave — but because he had no choice.
Luck Favors Movement
If they had stayed home, nothing would have changed.
Conclusion: A Comedy with Truth Inside
What started as a story about hunger and foolish plans became a lesson about:
• Risk
• Culture
And unexpected destiny
In the end, life doesn’t always reward the smartest plan — sometimes, it rewards the one who simply shows up.
 |
| Douye Soroh |
The Comedy of Errors
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High IQ meets zero street smarts. A hilarious look at a technical genius struggling with the simplest of human interactions.
Meet the least capable criminals in the business. A masterclass in how NOT to execute a successful heist.
The aftermath. Randy faces the drilling of his life while Sunny and Dick turn his misfortune into compound legend.
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