The Knock That Ruined Everything: Part Two
A Nigerian Dark Comedy About a Man Who Lost Everything to a Knock — and Then Lost More to His Own Big Mouth
A Bitter Ride
It was a bitter experience after he was taken. While he was planning to deal with Sunny and Dick for knocking at his door at such a critical moment, he had no evidence that they had been the ones to knock — but no mischievous thing ever happened in that compound that they weren't involved in.
He remembered the last time they had given him trouble. It was one night when the lights had gone out and they had tied a strong rope across the passage, at foot level, from one wall to the other. The place was dark. He had come home that night tired, planning to have a great meal, and just before he reached his door, he had tripped over the rope and taken a nasty fall that rattled his teeth. He didn't see who did it, but heard only laughter — and now that he thought about it, that laughter had been exactly what he always heard from Sunny and Dick. He frowned, and his face twisted into an ugly mask.
One of the soldiers saw his face and complained, "Why is your face like someone eating bitter kola for the first time?"
Another just laughed and said, "If his ugly mug troubles you, why not bag him?"
"Excellent idea," the first soldier said, pulling out a black bag.
On seeing this, the man smoothed his face and, with a grin that made him look like someone who had just licked a hot chilli pepper, said, "Boss, I'm loyal oh, please."
"Shut up. Who is your boss?"
"Please, don't cover my head — it will make me lose my bowel," the man said, glancing at the girl who was the cause of
all his trouble.
The Cause of It All
She was sitting at the front seat of the bus — all twelve of them were in it, ten soldiers and two civilians: him and the girl. Her name was Ese. She had ebony skin, white teeth, and a height that most men would envy. She had a good package, both front and back, and that had been what drew his attention. He had been chasing her for three months, and the day she finally agreed, someone had knocked his door and ruined everything. Now he had been arrested by her brothers, who were all soldiers, claiming he had ruined their sister's virtue. How could they claim that when everything had been ruined by a stupid knock? And now she was avoiding his eyes. He couldn't go down alone.
"Those kids will pay," Randy said, clenching and unclenching his fist.
The soldier sitting next to him heard him and asked, "What kids?"
Randy looked at the soldier — this one had been friendly to him, so he figured it wouldn't be bad to try to build a little trust. "The two kids who pointed at me when you guys came to my compound."
"Oh, those kids. They looked happy and were laughing. What did they do to you?" the soldier asked.
"I suspect they are the ones who knocked my door — ruining everything just as I was about to succeed."
At this, the soldier looked across at his sister. "So you admit you were with my sister?" he asked, raising his voice — which drew the attention of the other nine.
Randy cursed inwardly. His anger had made him open his big mouth. He bowed his head and looked at his feet. Only now did he notice he was barefoot. He cursed again, remembering he had pulled off his shoes, ready to run, before they grabbed him. A slap landed on the back of his head, bringing him to the present.
"Jesus, that hurt," he said, rubbing his head.
"Answer the question now."
"Brothers, please leave him and let him go," Ese said, begging her brothers.
"Shut up," one of them said, glaring at her. "Now answer the question fast before I lose my mind."
Seeing that he had no way out — and having already unknowingly admitted his crime to one of them — he answered, "Yes."
There was silence in the bus. Only the hum of the engine could be heard as the bus sped along the road, along with the occasional honking of other road users.
"This guy really has the guts, eh? Collins, take us to the barracks now — he needs urgent drilling," the one who had been so friendly with him said to the driver. Randy watched as they made a U-turn, knowing he had just tripled his problems.
The Compound Buzzes
Back in the compound, voices were buzzing everywhere and everyone wanted to know what Randy had done to be taken away by soldiers. Sunny and Dick could be seen laughing hard and talking freely to the young men who had gathered around them.
"So we heard the girl crying about how his thing is too big, and so we knocked," Sunny said.
There was a round of laughter. "That man is wicked," said Alex — a boy of Sunny's age but with the body of a ten-year-old, stubborn and always complaining when called to do house chores.
"Yes, I told Sunny the same thing," Dick said. "He was telling her he would give her anything she asked."
The young men laughed and shook their heads. "That man is stingy. I have never heard of anyone as tight with his money," Sunny said, and the rest of his friends nodded.
"The other day he cooked a pot of beans — can you imagine, he ate it for a whole week. I remember sitting at our door. You know how each door faces the other house, right?" he asked, and they nodded. "Well, I was sitting there when he came home. That was the day five of his beans eating. He was in such a hurry that he barged into Mrs. Ada without even apologizing. I saw him clutching his rear and muttering — I caught a few words like, 'My bowel wants to burst. I will poo in public if I get any more delay.'"
The young men roared with laughter, shaking their heads. But Sunny wasn't done.
"You see," he continued, "poor old man Abel was bending down to tie his shoe when Randy passed, and just as Mr. Abel bent down, Randy reached him and released a fart. It was a silent one, but it followed him — and poor Mr. Abel was hit with the full force of it. He fainted. Till this day you will see a faint scar on his forehead from where he struck the ground."
The guys couldn't hold it. They fell on the ground laughing.
The Drilling
Randy watched as he was taken into the barracks. You could see his Adam's apple working as he gulped air. He was sweating even though the air conditioning in the bus was on full blast. His hands were visibly shaking and he tried to hide it by clasping them together.
He watched as they reached the green gate of the army base. A checkpoint manned by about five soldiers stood there, each positioned behind a huge machine gun. Their bus stopped at the checkpoint and one of the sentries popped his head inside. "What's the matter, guys?"
"We need to drill a civilian," Collins said, nodding at Randy.
"Ha. Did he bite off more than he could chew?"
"Yeah, he did."
"Then you won't mind if I have a go at him too?"
"No — in fact, everyone who wishes to teach him a lesson is welcome."
Randy heard all this and started crying. "Please, it was a mistake. I will be good."
"We will be good too," the soldiers said, waving them in.
Randy was given military drilling. He could feel his hands stiff and shaking from endless push-ups. He was made to do frog jumps until he swore his legs would never obey him again. He was drenched in sweat — enough to fill a small bucket if squeezed. He was made to jog a long distance while soldiers followed behind in a vehicle with a cane, monitoring his progress, and if he slowed down, he would collect a flogging.
After two days of hard drilling, he was finally allowed to go. As he walked along the road — filthy, sweaty, and dirty — his mind kept going back to the two kids who had made it all so difficult for him. He vowed their time would come, and he would show them that he was the boss.
Outro
What a chaotic turn of events! Just when you think a situation on the streets of Lagos can't get any wilder, the universe proves you wrong. Will our protagonist survive the relentless drilling, or is this military nightmare only bound to get deeper? Find out in the next installment!
Over to You!
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Pidgin English Glossary — What You Learned in This Story
This story contains Nigerian Pidgin English — a creole language spoken by an estimated 75 to 100 million people across Nigeria. Here is a quick reference for every Pidgin expression used throughout:
Bitter kola — a bitter nut native to West Africa, chewed for its stimulant properties and medicinal uses. The expression face like someone eating bitter kola for the first time means an expression of extreme discomfort or displeasure.
Boss, I'm loyal oh — a common Nigerian expression of submission used when someone is in trouble. It roughly translates as I am on your side, please don't harm me.
Who is your boss — Who do you think you are calling boss / I am not your boss.
Please don't cover my head, it will make me lose my bowel — Please don't put a bag over my head, it will make me defecate from fear. A comic expression of extreme panic.
Good package, both front and back — a colloquial Nigerian expression referring to an attractive physical figure.
Draw his signal — to attract someone's attention romantically. She drew his signal means she caught his eye.
Ruin their sister's virtues — a Nigerian euphemism for compromising a woman's chastity or honour before marriage.
He can't go down alone — He refuses to take the blame by himself. A declaration that others will be implicated.
Those kids will pay — a threat of future revenge against Sunny and Dick.
Clinching and unclenching his fist — a physical expression of barely contained anger and frustration.
Curse inwardly — to swear or express anger silently, without speaking out loud.
This guy really have the gut — This man has real nerve / audacity. An expression of disbelief at someone's boldness.
Urgent drilling — military physical punishment. In the Nigerian army context, drilling refers to intensive physical exercise used as disciplinary correction.
Did he bite more than he can chew — Did he take on more than he could handle? A widely used Nigerian and English expression for overreaching.
Frog jump — a military punishment exercise where a person crouches and jumps forward repeatedly like a frog. Extremely exhausting and used as correction in Nigerian military and school disciplinary settings.
I will be good — I will behave / I will cooperate / Please stop. A desperate plea for mercy.
My bowel want to burst — I urgently need to use the bathroom. An expression of extreme digestive distress.
I will poo in public if I get any delay — I will defecate in the street if I am not allowed to reach a bathroom immediately. A statement of absolute urgency.
Badge into — to barge into someone / to collide with someone carelessly without stopping.
Silent one but it followed him — a reference to a silent but powerful and lingering flatulence. The silent but deadly variety, which in Sunny's account was responsible for hospitalising Mr. Abel.
He is the boss — He is in charge / He is the authority. Randy's vow at the end that he will prove his dominance over Sunny and Dick.
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| Douye Soroh |
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