The Voodoo Rent Plan
A Nigerian Dark Comedy About Two Broke Friends, a Witch Doctor, and the Most Embarrassing Plan in Landlord History*
Author Note: My dear readers, thank you for visiting my blog. This story has a blend of Nigerian Pidgin English, and I hope the translations in brackets help my global
visitors. I just want the world to know that learning a new language can be a lot of fun. Thank you, and if you would like to learn more, let me know in the comments and I will do my best.
The Errand
"Did you hear that?" Emy asked his friend as they walked that night. It was a cold night with a little bit of snow that drizzled, and the two friends were walking, looking for a landmark that had been described to them. They needed to find a particular tree shaped like a fork with an owl sitting on the middle branch.
Emy was the one who looked like he could snap a tree with his bare hands — big and strong with lots of muscle, and a jaw that looked like a chainsaw. But what many people didn't know was that he was a coward, afraid of even a rat. That night was one of his nightmarish nights, knowing anything could happen, and he clung close to his friend Billy.
Billy was thin and looked like the wind would break him in two. He had that innocent look, but he was strong and had a temper that could boil water.
Into the Dark
"Heard what?" Billy snapped.
"I heard a screeching sound," Emy said, looking around and staying close to Billy.
"Don't be a chicken, man. It could be your joints popping together. You know you're big."
"There," Emy moaned, "I heard it again."
"Sure, if you say so," Billy said nonchalantly.
"What if it is a sign?" Emy asked in a trembling voice.
"What are you talking about?"
"You know, we are trying to bewitch our landlord so we don't have to pay rent. We are too broke."
"Do you have to paint the picture of our situation on my face?" Billy said angrily.
"No, I'm just being realistic," Emy said.
At this, Billy laughed, and the sound was so haunting that it echoed in the still night air. Emy closed his eyes, praying no evil would hear that laugh and come to investigate.
"You're being realistic now, eh? Don't go all philosophical on me, please."
"Our rent is five grand," Emy said angrily. "And that guy — what was his name again?" he asked Billy.
"How would I know? He goes by anonymous online."
"Well, he said we could pay the witch doctor five grand and live rent free for as long as we want, right?"
"Sure, that sounds interesting — a free rent forever."
"We could just pay the rent and forget this whole adventure. Nothing good comes out of voodoo."
"If you're scared, you can go back. But if all goes well, you'll be looking for a new place to stay," Billy said to him.
A Strange Encounter
They were silent after that and kept walking. It was getting darker the further they went, and Emy couldn't help hearing that screeching noise. He swallowed hard, looking behind him and into every dark corner. He thought he saw a shadow moving and he jerked back. When Billy laid a hand on his shoulder, he flinched.
"I think someone is coming," Billy said, peering ahead, not entirely sure he was right. But he could hear footsteps coming toward them.
"Should we hide?" Emy asked.
"What for? Are we committing any crime?"
"No, I just thought—" But Billy cut him off. "I don't need you to think, man. You're too dense. Just be the muscle so no one can take the five grand from us."
The footsteps drew nearer and they saw a silhouette walking in a dreamlike state. It was a man, short like a dwarf, with a beard that covered his mouth. He had eyes as small as a bird's, a big head, a small body, and hands not more than half a normal length. He saw them and stopped a few meters away.
"Who are you?" Billy asked him.
"And who are you?" the short man asked back. "Can you see me? How tall am I?"
The two friends looked at each other with a frown.
"No offence, man, but you couldn't reach my waist," Emy said, measuring the man with his hand.
"Are you sure? I was told the first people to see me would determine the effect of the charm."
"What charm?" Billy asked, now interested.
"Seems like you both have bad luck," the man said, looking at them. "Are you sure I'm not tall? I have a date I met online. I've been sending her pictures of my brother, and I just did a charm to look like him."
"Eh, maybe it's because it's night," Emy said. "I guess it would work when you get home, or when your date sees you, since it's for her that you did it."
"That sounds plausible," the man said, nodding. "My name is Anold."
"I'm Emy, and this is Billy. We are looking for the witch doctor."
"Oh, really? It's just ahead. You can't miss it."
They thanked him and started walking, this time with faster feet.
Second Thoughts
"Are you sure about this?" Emy suddenly asked Billy.
"Yeah, why the doubt?"
"A charm to make someone look tall? That's too much to be real."
"The charm is not for us, so it's possible that when the right person sees him, she'd see a tall man," Billy said.
But Emy didn't believe him. He felt a dread that they were making a mistake, but Billy's temper wouldn't let him speak his mind, or there would be a fight — one he knew he wouldn't win. And so he followed him until they came to the tree and saw the owl sitting on the middle branch. They moved quickly past it, and after a few meters they came to a house at the corner of the road.
The Shrine
The house was small with two windows on either side, built with brick, and a chimney puffing out thick smoke that motivated them through the chill creeping into their bones. They reached the door and knocked.
"Enter," a gruff voice said, and they both stepped inside.
The interior was warm with simple furnishings — just a fur rug on the floor, a large side mirror, and the chimney. A man sat at the far end of the room, his back to them.
"Sit down," he said, still not looking at them.
They sat and waited as the man went about whatever he was doing. After a moment he spoke again.
"What brings you to my shrine?"
"We have a problem," Billy said.
"And what is the problem? Speak. Let the gods solve it."
"It is about our landlord," Billy said, and Emy nodded, not daring to speak. He had left everything to Billy.
"And what has your landlord done?"
"He is a greedy bastard who is also mean. He has increased the rent to five grand."
At this, the witch doctor shuddered, his shoulders visibly shaking. They both shifted a few meters back, unsure if the man was losing his mind.
"So what do you want the gods to do about the landlord?"
"We want a charm that will make us live there for free."
"Drop five grand in the calabash over there," the man said, pointing at a calabash a few meters from them.
When Billy had dropped the money inside, the man collected it, still without turning to face them. He counted the money, nodded when he confirmed it was complete, and then turned to face them.
Unmasked
"So, Billy and Emy — you two want to live in my house free of charge and charm me too?"
They looked at each other, then at the man. His face was painted white and red, and he wore a large hat made with bird feathers. He even wore an eye patch to look like a pirate, with a chain of skulls dangling from his neck. They couldn't recognise him, but then he began cleaning his face, removing the eye patch and the hat, and it dawned on them who he was.
"LANDLORD!" they both exclaimed in unison, unable to believe their eyes.
"So you have five grand for a charm but not for rent?"
"It's not like that, landlord. I can explain," Billy said, while Emy winced, knowing they were done for.
"Nothing to explain. You wanted to charm me."
"Calm down, landlord. It's all a mistake," Billy said.
"Sure. You can start heading home and making preparations to quit my house."
"What about the charm we paid for?" Emy asked.
"Sure, I will prepare it when I return home and give it to you — but by then I expect you'll be finding a new place to stay."
The Walk of Shame
Billy and Emy were kicked out of the witch doctor's home. Walter had promised to bring them the charm they had paid for, but reminded them that they should start looking for a new place to stay.
"Sha, that one na big problem oh," Billy said, still not believing their landlord was a witch. *(Well, that is a big problem.)*
"You sure say no be him dey make us broke?" Emy asked. *(Are you sure he's not the one making us broke?)*
"E fit be true oh," Billy said, "that man dey always pour spit for ground." *(It could be true. That man always spits on the ground.)*
"Aswear, na him make us broke and jobless jor," Emy said. "Maybe we should report him." *(I swear, he's the one making us broke and jobless.)*
"Abeg, I no follow oh," Billy said. "Make we go wait him for house first." *(Please, count me out of that. Let's go wait for him at home first.)*
They went home grumbling about a wasted opportunity. They were so shocked that they never noticed they had switched to Pidgin English, even though they were both graduates who had been speaking perfectly correct English earlier. But seeing the landlord had simply reorganised their brains.
That night they slept with the knowledge that it was their last in the house, wondering how a simple plan could spiral into such a disaster.
Morning Hunger
In the morning they woke up feeling hungry. Emy's stomach rumbled and the big man yawned wide.
"Abeg no swallow me oh," Billy said. "Try put your hand over your mouth." *(Please don't swallow me. Try covering your mouth.)*
"No be my fault, I dey hungry jor," Emy said. *(It's not my fault, I'm just hungry.)*
At that moment there was a knock at their door and they both stiffened. Emy nudged Billy and nodded toward the door.
"E go be landlord oh," Billy muttered. *(That's probably the landlord.)*
Emy stood up on shaky legs and opened the door. The landlord, Walter, was standing there grinning at them.
"Well boys, here is your charm," he said, handing a ring to Emy.
It was small, and as Emy examined it he could tell it would only fit his pinky finger. It was a simple ring made of copper wire that had been heated and hammered together.
"This ring cheap oh," Emy exclaimed. *(This ring looks cheap.)*
"Na the ingredients cost," Walter said with a grin. *(It's the ingredients that are expensive.)*
The Charm
Billy stood up and collected the ring from Emy's hand. He turned it over slowly, then looked up at the landlord.
"How I fit use am?" he asked. *(How do I use it?)*
"That is simple," Walter said. "Just lick it three times and slap it on the head of the person, and that will activate it."
"You mean like this?" Billy said — and before anyone could react, he licked the ring three times and slapped it firmly on Walter's head.
Walter froze. His body shook for a few moments and Emy glanced outside to make sure no one was watching, then quickly dragged the landlord inside.
"Billy, wetin you do na?" *(Billy, what did you just do?)*
"Just chill, make we see if e go work," Billy said calmly. *(Just relax, let's see if it works.)*
One Problem Solved
After a moment Walter's shaking subsided. He turned to Billy with a blank, willing expression.
"What do you desire? What can I do for you?"
Billy looked at Emy. For a second neither of them moved, the disbelief not yet fully registering. Then it sank in, and Billy burst out laughing.
"Now that is something," he said. "What a fool."
"What is going on?" Emy asked.
"Just watch," Billy said, and turned to the landlord. "I want you to put it on record that we can live here for as long as we want without paying rent."
"Done," Walter said simply, and walked out.
Billy roared with laug
hter. "I thought he was joking when he said he would bring us the charm — knowing full well what we wanted to use it for."
Emy finally understood and he laughed too. "What a shame. His own charm used against him, and he made it to be genuinely effective."
"Yeah, one problem solved," Billy said with a grin. "Now let us go and find food."
And with that they walked out together, singing a song that, by all accounts, no one could confirm had ever existed before that moment.
Pidgin English Glossary — What You Learned in This Story
Here is a quick reference for the Pidgin expressions used throughout:
Sha — well / anyway
Na big problem oh — that is a serious problem
You sure say no be him dey make us broke — are you sure he is not the one making us poor
E fit be true oh — it could be true
That man dey always pour spit for ground — that man always spits on the ground
Aswear — I swear
Na him make us broke and jobless jor — he is the one making us broke and jobless
Abeg, I no follow oh — please, count me out
Make we go wait him for house first — let us go and wait for him at home first
Abeg no swallow me oh — please don't swallow me
Try put your hand over your mouth — try to cover your mouth
No be my fault, I dey hungry jor — it is not my fault, I am just hungry
E go be landlord oh — that is probably the landlord
This ring cheap oh — this ring looks cheap
Na the ingredients cost — it is the ingredients that are expensive
Billy, wetin you do na — Billy, what did you just do
Just chill, make we see if e go work — just relax, let's see if it works
Nigerian Pidgin English is spoken by nearly 100 million people. If this story gave you your first real encounter with it — welcome. There is an entire world of expression waiting in these phrases, and every story on TwistedStories that uses it is your personal classroom.
Outro: The Song Nobody Had Heard Before
Emy and Billy walked out of that building into the morning air, one problem solved, no food, no money, one free tenancy secured by a copper ring licked three times and applied to the head of their landlord at zero notice.
They were singing a song that, by all accounts, no one could confirm had ever existed before that moment.
That is exactly the right way to end this story.
Not triumphant. Not reformed. Not wiser in any conventional sense. Just two broke, hungry, audacious men who went looking for a witch doctor, found their landlord, lost five thousand dollars, got their tenancy back, and walked into the morning singing something new.
Sometimes that is what winning looks like.
Did this story make you laugh? Share it with someone who needs a comedy today. And if you want to learn more Nigerian Pidgin English, leave a comment below — more lessons are waiting.
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