The Last Saturday

**Sanitation Day**

It was the last Saturday of the month, and sanitation was underway in the area. This is typical in Nigeria, where every last Saturday is set aside to clean the environment — anyone found neglecting their duty risks being arrested and prosecuted. It has been so for a very long time, even before I was born.

On this particular last Saturday in a small town, everyone was going about their duties, while a few men sat around having drinks. It was a small town, and no one expected government officials to come and monitor the sanitation exercise in that area. I had an injury on my foot, so I couldn't do much. I sat on my veranda, watching how things were going on.

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**Papa, I Dey Hungry Oh**

Right beside me, a child of about seven years old began to cry, and I knew deep down the drama had started. The child looked at his father and wailed, "Papa, I dey hungry oh." *(Dad, I'm hungry.)*

The father, who was drinking with his peers, glanced at his son and shouted, "Shut up, what about me, eh?"

"Papa, find me food oh," the child wailed. *(Dad, get me something to eat.)*

"I dey broke na, go meet your mama." *(I'm broke, go meet your mother.)*

At that, the mother stormed out, furious. "You say wetin?" she shouted. "Na me born pikin alone, eh?" *(What did you just say? Did I make this child by myself?)*

"No be your fault we born ham?" the man shot back, taking a swig from his glass. He and his buddies were drinking what they called local gin — a strong alcoholic drink fermented from the palm tree. *(Didn't we both make this child?)*

"Wetin you just talk?" the mother asked, advancing on the father. *(What did you just say?)*

One of his buddies, seeing that trouble was about to blow out of proportion, tried to calm her down. "Madam, calm down na, him no mean it, na the drink cause ham." *(Madam, calm down, he didn't mean it — it's the drink talking.)*

"Which drink?" the father roared. "This woman don dey press my neck since." *(What drink? This woman has been on my case forever.)*

"Una dey hear wetin him dey talk?" the mother called out to anyone listening. "I no understand the kind of foolish man I marry oh." *(Do you all hear what he's saying? I can't understand what kind of foolish man I married.)*

The man stood up, visibly angry — and everyone could see he was staggering. The drink had taken full effect. The unspoken rule of drinking local gin is that you never do it on an empty stomach.

"You dey call me foolish man, eh?" he slurred, staggering and grabbing onto the people around him so he wouldn't fall. *(You're calling me a foolish man?)*

"Yes, you be foolish man. Them no born you well." *(Yes, you are a foolish man. You were raised poorly.)*

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**Slaps and Silence**

The son was wailing now, his voice growing louder by the second. He was near me, and I couldn't take it anymore, so I stepped back to distance myself from the noise. Then his mother turned and gave him a slap. "Abeg shut up, no be only you never eat." *(Please shut up, you're not the only one who hasn't eaten.)*

The child wailed harder, and another slap landed. "If I hear your voice again, eh, I go beat hunger commot for your belly." *(If I hear you again, I'll beat the hunger right out of you.)*

"See this woman oh," the father was complaining to his buddies. "She get mind dey give me mouth." *(Look at this woman, she has the nerve to talk back to me.)*

"No mind her sha, na so women dey oh," one of his drinking buddies said, draining his glass. *(Don't mind her, that's just how women are.)*

Another man wasn't happy about that. He turned to the one who had just emptied his glass. "We dey try to settle fight, only you dey drink the drink finish, eh?" *(We're here trying to settle an argument and all you're doing is finishing the drink?)*

"So?" the other shot back. "No be me buy ham, eh?" *(So what? Didn't I buy it?)*

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**Lost Souls**

It had been like this in the area for a long time — men losing themselves to the local gin, a drink that left them looking malnourished and unkempt. It drained their blood and left them pale as corpses. And yet, many people were surrendering their souls to it. When it came to that drink, it was like seeing water in a desert.

I was shaking my head, wondering how things had come to this, when I noticed a man who worked with the Nigerian Immigration Service begging a woman to give him bread and groundnuts on credit.

"Madam, I promise to pay this month-end na, when salary enter." *(Madam, I'll pay at the end of the month when my salary comes in.)*

"I no dey give you on credit today oh. Last time sef you no pay." *(I'm not giving you credit today. You didn't even pay me back last time.)*

"You go add this one and last time own na, I go pay when salary enter." *(Just add this to what I already owe, I'll pay everything when my salary comes.)*

The woman selling provisions refused, no matter how much the man begged. She claimed he had been owing her for close to two months, giving her excuse after excuse whenever she asked for her money.

One of the drunks looked at the man and shook his head. "You be government worker na, you dey owe credit like wetin no good, eh?" *(You're a government worker and you're out here begging for credit?)*

The officer turned to the drunk with a frown. "Oga, no put your mouth for wetin no concern you oh." *(Sir, don't stick your nose into what doesn't concern you.)*

"Why e no go concern me, eh?" the drunk fired back, getting agitated. "No be you them dey pay for month-end, eh?" *(Why wouldn't it concern me? Don't they pay you every month?)*

"The money no reach na." *(The salary isn't enough.)*

"Then resign na, no complain oh," the drunk said, spitting at the officer's feet. *(Then quit. Don't complain.)*

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**The Draft Board**

I looked around and noticed another pair of men huddled together. I edged closer to hear what they were saying and smiled as I listened.

"See, my friend, I go win you today," one was saying. *(Listen, my friend, I'm going to beat you today.)*

"I no dey play today oh, na sanitation," the other replied. *(I'm not playing today, it's sanitation day.)*

"Wetin that one mean?" his friend asked. *(What does that have to do with anything?)*

"Oboy, na sanitation na, police fit arrest us oh." *(Man, it's sanitation day — the police can arrest us.)*

"You dey fear say I go win you na," his friend said, grinning. *(You're just scared I'll beat you.)*

That hit hard. It stung the second man enough that he told his friend to bring out the draughts board and position it so they could see the road — that way, they'd have a clear view if police officers came to arrest anyone not participating in the sanitation exercise. And so their game began.

You could hear the uproar and the angry retorts. Sometimes someone would shout, "Sha, this man mumu oh, him for no move at all!" *(This guy is such a fool, he shouldn't have made that move at all!)*

The game had been going on for about two hours, and everyone's attention was locked on it. No one was watching the entrance anymore. So when the officers finally arrived, those standing nearby wasted no time running — but not the two men playing draughts.

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**Ejiro's Downfall**

Ejiro was the one whose ego had been bruised into playing. He was a government driver in his early forties, and his wife was the owner of the provision shop the immigration officer had been owing. That morning, he had been wearing nothing but a towel as he played draughts with his friend.

When the officers arrived, one came up behind Ejiro and tapped him on the shoulder. But Ejiro never took his eyes off the board. He was so locked into the game that he swatted away the hand on his shoulder. He was grinning, winning, and he shouted, "I chop you! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5!" as he picked five of his friend's pieces off the board. *(I got you!)*

The tapping came again. He ignored it. Then he noticed his friend had frozen, and he laughed out loud.

"I say I go win you na, no fear play." *(I told you I'd win, don't be afraid to play.)*

But his friend couldn't move. His friend had seen the officer standing directly behind Ejiro.

"See, just play. I go potty win you small," Ejiro said, slapping his leg as he caught the horror on his friend's face. *(Come on, just play. I'll let you win a little.)*

"Na only five I chop and you dey fear, eh?" he said gleefully. *(I only took five of your pieces and you're scared?)*

Then the tapping came again — harder this time, hard enough to sting. He hissed and turned to see who it was, and when he saw the uniformed officer, he jumped up and shouted, "Wife! Where the dustbin dey? I say make you bring am since!" *(Wife! Where's the dustbin? I told you to bring it a long time ago!)*

The officer cut him off. "So na draft you dey play for sanitation, eh?" *(So you're playing draughts during sanitation?)*

"No oh, officer," Ejiro denied on the spot — even though he still had the game pieces in his hand.

"So na wetin you dey do?" the officer asked. *(So what exactly are you doing?)*

"Officer, abeg no vex na, e get as e be oh." *(Officer, please don't be angry, it's complicated.)*

"We are going to the station now," the officer said.

"Wait na, make I wear clothes," Ejiro said. *(Wait, let me at least put on some clothes.)*

"No oh, we dey go like this," the officer said, dragging him away by his towel. *(No, we're going just like this.)*

And that was how Ejiro and his friend were arrested and taken to the station. When they were charged in court, they pleaded guilty and were each sentenced to three months of community service.

Author's Note:

My dear esteemed readers, Nigerian Pidgin English is a creole language spoken widely across Nigeria that blends English with local expressions and rhythms — it is colourful, expressive, and full of life. Many of you may have heard of it, and some of you may be seeing it for the very first time. I hope you are not confused by it, and I would love to hear your thoughts. Let me know if you would like to read a story written entirely in Pidgin — it might just teach you something new. Thank you.

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