Content Warning: This story contains themes of supernatural coercion, police corruption, bribery, extrajudicial killing (referenced), reckless driving, dangerous road conditions, and mild language. It also includes comedic depictions of a demanding deity, a chaotic free bus ride, and police misconduct. Reader discretion is advised.
Intro
Praise has one goal on this cold Friday morning: catch the free ride to work and save himself from spending his last cash on transport. But the weather has other plans. A voice in his head claims to be the god of Pidgin English — and it is freezing his room solid until he agrees to a task. Record police officers taking bribes at a checkpoint. Refuse, and he misses the ride. Agree, and he risks his life. Praise has no good options. He is running out of time, out of warmth, and out of patience. The bus that finally picks him up is driven by a man eating with both hands off the steering wheel. The passengers include a fat woman attacking donuts like her life depends on it, a bald man rubbing his head every two minutes, and a mysterious woman who keeps saying, "Relax, Job is the best driver" — while the driver steers with his leg. This is a darkly comic Nigerian fantasy about corruption, survival, and the impossible choice between doing what is right and staying alive. Task one is done. Task two is waiting.
The Early Morning
It was a Friday morning. The sun wasn't even up yet, at about 4:30 AM in the morning. It had been a hard day the previous day, but Praise had to rise that morning if he was to catch a free ride to work. He had spent an arm and a leg just to pay transport to work, and at work he had heard that there would be a free ride to work, but it was on a first come, first serve basis.
So that Friday morning, he had woken early just to be the first one.
Soon he heard a noise like hail falling on his roof. The room started getting colder. He pushed the curtain aside and peeked out. Yes, it was raining, and it was falling hard.
Praise sighed. "Not today," he muttered.
This would be his first time hitching a free ride, and now the weather was trying to threaten him. He raised his eyes to the darkened sky and pointed a finger. "You think you can stop me? How dare you fall on such a day I'm saving a lot on transport?"
It was like the sky heard him, and the rain increased. It started beating at his roof like a carpenter's hammer descending on a stubborn nail, and the air in his room started freezing — not just cold anymore, but freezing. He sniffed, but it was like he had no nose.
The Voice
"Do you challenge me?" a voice sounded in his head.
Praise froze as he was about to stand up from his bed. He slapped his cheek, shook his head, and muttered, "I must be dreaming."
"No be dream oh," [It is not a dream.] the voice said again.
"Who are you?" he asked, rubbing at his eyes.
"I be the god of pidgin English," [I am the god of Pidgin English.] the voice said.
Praise laughed at this. What the hell? he thought. I must be a mental case.
"E be like say you no want freebie," [It seems like you don't want the free ride.] the voice answered his mocking laughter.
"My village people must be doing me something. How can I be hearing a voice that claims he is the god of Pidgin English?" Praise muttered.
The Frustration
He stood up and went to his bathroom. He turned on the heater, but the heater wouldn't turn on. "Oh, not today," he said as his teeth started chattering.
He hurried to his kitchen and turned on the gas. He put water in his kettle to boil it, but as soon as he dropped it on the gas, the gas went off.
"What now?" he muttered.
"That one no go work," [That one will not work.] the voice in his head said.
"Stay out of my head, you mental case," Praise growled.
"You never ready. Na so you go freeze and rain go still fall, you go miss that free ride," [You are not ready. That is how you will freeze and the rain will still fall, and you will miss that free ride.] the voice said, laughing.
Praise could feel the laughter as it reverberated in his spine. He could feel the walls shake as if it was an earthquake.
"What do you want?" he asked.
"Complete a task for me," the voice said.
"You must be high on the weather. How can I complete a task for you when I have work to do?" Praise said.
His frustration was mounting. What was wrong with this voice? He had done nothing to deserve such attention. Why him of all people? What was special about him that this entity thought he could blackmail him by freezing him and his entire house?
The Task
"My task go align with the road you dey follow go work," [My task will align with the road you are following to work.] the voice said.
"I don't have the strength for this. I'm not even sure I will see the bus," Praise said.
"No worry, you go see the bus. Just do my tasks." [Don't worry, you will see the bus. Just do my tasks.]
"And what will be my reward?" Praise asked.
"You no go miss the bus," [You will not miss the bus.] the voice said.
"You are mad. You want me to risk everything for a free ride?"
"Yes na, abi you want to pay transport fare?" [Yes, or do you want to pay transport fare?] the voice asked him.
Praise was silent at that. He remembered the cost of the transport and how he had struggled to pay. It would take about 5 hours' drive to his workplace, so he couldn't afford to miss out.
"What is your task?" he asked.
"You done agree to do am?" [You have agreed to do it?] the voice asked him.
"I don't have a choice. Say your task."
There was a laughter of victory from the voice. He could hear the voice doing a dance.
"The first task na to record police officer wey dey take bribe for checkpoint." [The first task is to record police officers who are taking bribes at the checkpoint.]
"Abeg oh, I no want to die," [Please, I don't want to die.] Praise exclaimed.
"No worry, I go protect you," [Don't worry, I will protect you.] the voice said.
"See, in this country, anything can happen. Na lawless country we dey so." [It is a lawless country we are in.]
"Na make I go protect you na. See, I done even stop the rain and the room no cold again." [That is why I will protect you. See, I have even stopped the rain and the room is not cold again.]
Praise was startled. He hadn't noticed it. Maybe he had been too engrossed in the so-called tasks to have noticed. Yes, the room was warmer, and he checked the time. It was just 5 AM sharp. So all of this had been going on for under 30 minutes. If his source was right, he still had about one hour before the free ride left.
The Fear
"But Nigeria police force get plenty problem, and the citizen dey fear them pass armed robbers," [But the Nigeria police force has plenty of problems, and citizens fear them more than armed robbers.] he said. "You want me to video them? Maybe you want me to die."
"Relax, e no go come to that na. You be my vessel now," [Relax, it will not come to that. You are my vessel now.] the voice said.
"One week a policeman threaten to kpai anybody wey video am. Abeg, I never born oh. I no want to kpai." [One week ago, a policeman threatened to kill anybody who videos him. Please, I am not ready to die. I don't want to die.]
But at the end, Praise agreed to video the police officers who took bribes at the checkpoint. He knew he had no choice. It was either he agreed or faced the angry side of a god. It was with a heavy heart that he went back into the bathroom to take his bath. He kept muttering about trouble that wouldn't look at him and say, "This one isn't worth it," and move away. Why stick with him?
He came out of the bathroom looking like someone who had been hit by thunder — his hair all stood up, his eyes unfocused, and his hands were shaking. He wondered if that would be the last day he left the earth. Everyone knew about Nigeria police and their bad attitude. They arrest the innocent and praise the thieves. They are all criminals walking hand in hand with corruption. The best advice you can give anyone is that they should stay out of police trouble, or their life will be useless.
The Preparation
A police officer executed a boy in public, even though the boy was unarmed and had his hands tied behind his back. He was killed in cold blood, all because he went to waybill or collect a package. No arrest was made. No investigation was done. He was shot right there where he had collected the package. And now this so-called voice was asking him to video them when they were in their element — which was bribe collection.
He dressed up like he was going to a funeral and locked his door as he left his house. The breeze outside revived him a little, but it was barely felt. The woman he usually bought boiled eggs from every morning called him, but he never answered, and she was surprised.
The Free Ride
He walked until he reached the junction where he was told to wait for the free ride. He stood there, and at 6:20 AM, a bus stopped in front of him. He entered, and the bus took off. He looked around — just him and a few passengers.
A fat woman eating a heap of donuts, as the milk dripped down from the side, and she was licking her fingers and smacking her lips. He wondered if she didn't know she was fat, still eating more junk.
A bald man rubbing his head every two minutes and then looking at his phone. He was lean and had a tie — a bowtie at that. Who wears that at this time?
A young girl looking around as if she was in the wrong place. Her eyes drifted here one moment and there the next, and then she would stand and look outside the window, then sit and look at everyone.
He shook his head. He looked at the driver, and his breath caught in his throat. The driver was leaning back on his seat, a big plate in front of him on his lap, and he was furiously digging in and out with a spoon. He was eating as he was driving.
"I must have entered trouble today," he muttered.
"Na your first time to enter free bus?" [Is it your first time to enter a free bus?] a voice said behind him, tapping his shoulder.
Praise turned to see a woman in her late fifties, eating buns and drinking a Diet Coke. She had that easy-going look on her face.
"Yes, ma'am," he said.
"No worry, you go reach safely." [Don't worry, you will arrive safely.]
"Eh, with this kind of driver?" he said, nodding at the driver, who was now focusing on a piece of meat that had fallen from his plate. His two hands were not on the steering wheel. Praise swore as he tried to stand up, but the woman placed a hand on his shoulder, assuring him, "Relax na, Job na the best driver." [Relax, Job is the best driver.]
At that moment, the bus swayed to one side, and everyone looked at the front. The driver was using his leg to steer the vehicle.
"I done die oh," [I am dead.] Praise said as he gripped his seat. He looked for a seatbelt, but there was none. He turned to see the fat woman not even bothered by this; she was stuffing her mouth furiously now.
The Checkpoint
Soon the vehicle started slowing down, and he looked through the windscreen. His heart took another beat. He was surprised he hadn't had a heart attack yet, because standing right in front of the vehicle in the middle of the road was a team of police officers.
"This na the moment," [This is the moment.] he thought as he fished out his phone and opened the camera app.
The police officer was gesturing for the bus to park at a particular corner. The driver complied and parked.
"Where your papers dey?" [Where are your papers?] the officer asked.
"Which of them?" the driver asked back.
"You dey answer question with question?" [You are answering a question with a question?] the officer asked. You could see he was getting angry slowly.
Praise was recording all of this. His heart was beating, and he was sweating furiously. He tried to mop his brow but decided not to. He was afraid his phone would fall from his hand from the way it was shaking.
"No, officer," the driver said.
"Then show me your paper na." [Then show me your paper.]
"Which paper na?" [Which paper?]
"E be like say you no understand. You better pay your roja oh." [It seems like you don't understand. You better pay your bribe.]
"Officer, you know say you be government worker and bribe no good." [Officer, you know that you are a government worker and bribe is not good.]
"You say wetin?" [What did you say?] the officer asked as he cupped his ear to hear well what the driver had said.
"I say bribe no good na." [I said bribe is not good.]
"You dey mad? Na you dey under sun? See that rain way fall beat me, and now see the sun dey beat me too." [Are you mad? Are you the one under the sun? See that rain that fell and beat me, and now the sun is beating me too.]
"No be my fault na." [It is not my fault.]
"Then no talk wetin you no know oh." [Then don't talk about what you don't know.]
"But bribe no good na. Them dey pay you salary." [But bribe is not good. They pay you a salary.]
"Shut up! I go shoot you oh." [Shut up! I will shoot you.]
"I no do anything oh," [I haven't done anything.] the driver said.
"Your mouth dey sweet you. I go shoot am." [Your mouth is pleasing you. I will shoot it.]
"Wetin be the wahala, Paul?" [What is the problem, Paul?] another officer called out. "Collect roja and no dey delay. We get long day oh." [Collect the bribe and don't delay. We have a long day.]
"This man dey talk anyhow for here," [This man is talking anyhow here.] Officer Paul said.
"Then shoot am na. So we go even frame am say him be thief." [Then shoot him. That way we can even frame him and say he is a thief.]
At this, those in the vehicle exclaimed. Praise was recording all of this. He hadn't taken his eyes off the police officers. This is what they were good for — bribe and extrajudicial killing.
"Abeg oh, no shoot me oh," [Please, don't shoot me.] the driver said, dipping his hand in his pocket and bringing out cash.
The officer looked at the cash and frowned. "This one too small," he said.
"Na ten thousand dey here oh," [There is ten thousand here.] the driver said.
"And so? No be you delay me. Abeg add another." [And so? Wasn't it you who delayed me? Please add another.]
Grumbling but seeing the insanity in the officer's eyes, he wasted no time in coughing out another ten thousand and adding it to the first. The officer took the cash, nodded his head, and said, "If you delay next time, I go shoot you." [If you delay next time, I will shoot you.]
"I no go delay," [I will not delay.] the driver said as he hurried to the vehicle and started it.
"That na wickedness. You for no pay," [That is wickedness. You should not have paid.] the fat woman said angrily.
"Why you no go tell the officer that?" the driver shot back. "Na my life you think I for carry play?" [Is it my life you think I should gamble with?]
"You for no give am anything, eh. Him for do nothing," [You should not have given him anything. He would have done nothing.] she insisted.
"Abeg, I no dey joke with my life oh. My pikin them still small." [Please, I don't joke with my life. My children are still small.]
"Well done," the voice suddenly said in Praise's head, and he jumped up. Everyone was looking at him, and he felt embarrassed as he sat down again.
"Now, task one is done. Wait for task two."
What This Story Teaches Us
The God of Pidgin English is dark comedy on the surface — but underneath it is a sharp, unflinching look at life in Nigeria and the impossible choices ordinary people face every day.
1. Corruption has become normal. The most chilling part of the checkpoint scene is not the bribe itself — it is how routine it is. The officer collecting money, his colleague urging him to hurry up because they have a long day. Nobody is shocked. Nobody protests. Even the passengers on the bus have accepted it as part of the journey.
2. Speaking truth has a price. Job told the officer that bribe was wrong. That bribe was illegal. That the officer earned a salary. Every word he said was correct — and every word nearly got him shot. In a society where power has no accountability, truth becomes dangerous.
3. Survival sometimes means silence. Praise recorded everything but said nothing. Job paid the bribe he knew was wrong. These were not cowardly choices — they were survival choices. When the system is broken, ordinary people are forced to make peace with things they know are unjust just to stay alive.
4. The innocent carry the heaviest burden. Praise did nothing wrong. He woke up early, followed the rules, chased a free ride honestly. Yet he ended up in the middle of corruption, threatened by a supernatural being, trembling on a bus with no seatbelt. In Nigeria, doing everything right is no guarantee of safety.
5. Laughter is a coping mechanism. The comedy in this story — Job steering with his leg, the fat woman unbothered by everything, the bald man with the bowtie — is not accidental. Nigerians have mastered the art of laughing at situations that would break people elsewhere. Humor is how a people survive what they cannot yet change.
6. Bearing witness matters. The god of Pidgin English did not ask Praise to stop the corruption. He asked him to record it. Sometimes the first act of resistance is simply refusing to look away — documenting what happens so the truth cannot be buried.
Outro
And so Praise sits frozen in his seat, the phone still trembling in his hand, the video safely recorded. He watched a police officer threaten to shoot a man over a bribe. He watched another officer suggest framing the driver as a thief. He watched ten thousand naira turn into twenty, handed over just to avoid a bullet. The fat woman is still angry. The driver is still shaken. And the voice in Praise's head is laughing — a victory dance that echoes through his spine. Task one is complete. But there is more. The god of Pidgin English is not done with him yet. Somewhere ahead, on this same road, another test is waiting. Praise wanted a free ride. He got a deity, a corrupt checkpoint, and a bus full of strangers who may never look at him the same way again. The journey is only halfway done. And the next task may be worse than the first. Part 2 is coming. The god is watching. And Praise is beginning to understand that nothing in this life is ever truly free.
Pidgin English Glossary — The God of Pidgin English (Part 1)
| Pidgin Phrase | English Translation |
|---|---|
| No be dream oh | It is not a dream |
| I be the god of Pidgin English | I am the god of Pidgin English |
| E be like say you no want freebie | It seems like you don't want the free ride |
| That one no go work | That one will not work |
| Na so you go freeze and rain go still fall, you go miss that free ride | That is how you will freeze and the rain will still fall, and you will miss that free ride |
| My task go align with the road you dey follow go work | My task will align with the road you are following to work |
| No worry, you go see the bus. Just do my tasks | Don't worry, you will see the bus. Just do my tasks |
| You no go miss the bus | You will not miss the bus |
| Abi you want to pay transport fare? | Or do you want to pay transport fare? |
| You done agree to do am? | You have agreed to do it? |
| The first task na to record police officer wey dey take bribe for checkpoint | The first task is to record police officers who are taking bribes at the checkpoint |
| Abeg oh, I no want to die | Please, I don't want to die |
| No worry, I go protect you | Don't worry, I will protect you |
| Na lawless country we dey so | It is a lawless country we are in |
| Na make I go protect you na | That is why I will protect you |
| But Nigeria police force get plenty problem, and the citizen dey fear them pass armed robbers | But the Nigeria police force has plenty of problems, and citizens fear them more than armed robbers |
| Relax, e no go come to that na. You be my vessel now | Relax, it will not come to that. You are my vessel now |
| One week a policeman threaten to kpai anybody wey video am. Abeg, I never born oh. I no want to kpai | One week ago, a policeman threatened to kill anybody who videos him. Please, I am not ready to die. I don't want to die |
| Na your first time to enter free bus? | Is it your first time to enter a free bus? |
| No worry, you go reach safely | Don't worry, you will arrive safely |
| Relax na, Job na the best driver | Relax, Job is the best driver |
| I done die oh | I am dead |
| This na the moment | This is the moment |
| Where your papers dey? | Where are your papers? |
| You dey answer question with question? | You are answering a question with a question? |
| E be like say you no understand. You better pay your roja oh | It seems like you don't understand. You better pay your bribe |
| Officer, you know say you be government worker and bribe no good | Officer, you know that you are a government worker and bribe is not good |
| You say wetin? | What did you say? |
| I say bribe no good na | I said bribe is not good |
| You dey mad? Na you dey under sun? | Are you mad? Are you the one under the sun? |
| No be my fault na | It is not my fault |
| Then no talk wetin you no know oh | Then don't talk about what you don't know |
| But bribe no good na. Them dey pay you salary | But bribe is not good. They pay you a salary |
| Shut up! I go shoot you oh | Shut up! I will shoot you |
| I no do anything oh | I haven't done anything |
| Your mouth dey sweet you. I go shoot am | Your mouth is pleasing you. I will shoot it |
| Wetin be the wahala, Paul? | What is the problem, Paul? |
| Collect roja and no dey delay. We get long day oh | Collect the bribe and don't delay. We have a long day |
| This man dey talk anyhow for here | This man is talking anyhow here |
| Then shoot am na. So we go even frame am say him be thief | Then shoot him. That way we can even frame him and say he is a thief |
| Abeg oh, no shoot me oh | Please, don't shoot me |
| Na ten thousand dey here oh | There is ten thousand here |
| No be you delay me. Abeg add another | Wasn't it you who delayed me? Please add another |
| If you delay next time, I go shoot you | If you delay next time, I will shoot you |
| I no go delay | I will not delay |
| Na wickedness. You for no pay | That is wickedness. You should not have paid |
| Na my life you think I for carry play? | Is it my life you think I should gamble with? |
| You for no give am anything. Him for do nothing | You should not have given him anything. He would have done nothing |
| Abeg, I no dey joke with my life oh. My pikin them still small | Please, I don't joke with my life. My children are still small |
Common Pidgin Patterns Used in This Story
| Pattern | Meaning | Example |
|---|---|---|
| "oh" at end | Adds emotion or urgency | "I no want to die oh" = "I really don't want to die" |
| "na" as emphasis | Softens or stresses a point | "Bribe no good na" = "Bribe is really not good" |
| "dey" before verb | Indicates ongoing action | "You dey answer question" = "You are answering a question" |
| "kpai" | To die / to kill | "I no want to kpai" = "I don't want to die" |
| "roja" | Bribe / unofficial payment | "Pay your roja" = "Pay your bribe" |
| "wahala" | Problem / trouble | "Wetin be the wahala?" = "What is the problem?" |
| "pikin" | Child / children | "My pikin them still small" = "My children are still young" |
| "wetin" | What | "Wetin be your name?" = "What is your name?" |
| "for" as conditional | Should have / would have | "You for no pay" = "You should not have paid" |
The Shadows of Survival
Subject: Systemic Failures, Street Realities, & Hard Choices
Systemic betrayal. Step behind the scenes of street-level enforcement where the line between law and criminal survival completely disappears.
The cost of a delayed salary. Follow the desperate domino effect of banking fees, hunger, and raw bad luck in the city.
The tension deepens. Revisit the dangerous aftermath of a single weekend where every hour brings a new calculation for survival.
A haunting reality. Witness the devastating consequences when short-term desperation forces people to surrender their long-term hope.
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